drive

i passed! =)

a week to remember

as i gather my thoughts to pen this post, i fondly recap on this very atypical week gone by.

monday was monday - i can't say any more about it here.

on tuesday, i was on MC due to mild food poisoning. really.

i was brought to a thai disco called 'live impact' on wednesday, and i have to say that even though at first it looked a little dodgy, the fun turned out to be pretty clean and wholesome.

i was 2hrs late for work on thursday, and after knocking off slightly earlier than usual, i joined nd and jlo at harry's@orq, where i had my first experience drinking in one of the famed waterholes for bankers, brokers and traders in sg, and i must say i was rather impressed by some of the masquerades on show. at times, it was really obvious that people weren't saying what they actually felt about someone or something, and it was funny watching them practise little discretion in concealing their true thoughts. showboating and sarcasm was prevalent, and very soon, i found myself drifting into isolation and taking a observatory backseat in this theatre of hypocrisy. to put it mildly, it was interesting to watch how people act when they think no one's watching. it was also good to meet some of nd's and jlo's friends, who were polite and friendly people with no airs, unlike some of the other snobs around. i liked their what-you-see-is-what-you-get characters, and it was comforting to know that not everyone in the finance industry behaves like stuck-up assholes. i wonder if i'll be like that if when i become a high-flyer.

friday was a good day at work, as all fridays have been thus far, with low workload volume and a fantastic jap lunch with jo. predictably, after-hours were spent at vogue and the night ended with lor mee for supper at tb rise, and it was yummy.

saturday's driving lesson was confidence-boosting, and my instructor thinks i should be able to pass friday's test rather comfortably, provided i don't get impatient with the road conditions. i think so too. after the lesson, i had dinner with nd and jlo at this place off killiney road, called bar stop. good ambience, good food, good jazz, good wine - all in all, a good night made even better with good company. we adjourned to nd's for the arsenal match, but our host couldn't keep himself awake till half-time, so we didn't catch the villa-man utd game. i went back home to catch it, but dozed off halfway-through.

falling asleep during a man utd match was a sure sign that my mind and body desperately needed more rest, which is why today i won't be making any plans after my driving lesson later this evening. i need to recuperate, because for the next few days, my schedule will be packed with driving lessons everyday in preparation for my test on friday. no late nights or partying for the time being, but to all you readers, here's wishing you a great week ahead. it only comes round once you know, so whether it's been a good year or not, let's just ensure we enjoy ourselves and make the most of the last few weeks of 2008. cheers! =)

smile for me

i went over to your place today to retrieve the rest of my personal belongings, and i didn't expect you to call me heartless or hurtful, because i thought it would help you to move on if i cleared those emotional triggers away for good. i'm disappointed and feel wrongly accused. of all the people in the world, you should know how much heart i have.

all my life, i've been trying my best to be a gentleman, a mr nice guy, and i've always taken great pride in the knowledge that i'm popularly considered a nice guy, an honest guy. yet i now find myself being perceived as a jerk, a bastard, a sadist for sticking by my principles. ironic? yes, but at least there's no contradiction. i'm sorry if i hurt you, but i'm not doing these things out of spite or revenge. i hope you will one day understand that i'm trying to preserve my credibility and integrity, to finally be able to look myself in the mirror without shame or contempt.

i know you're having a tough time trying to ride it out, but it isn't easy for me, either. it never has been easy. i thought that by telling you how happy i am, or how contented i am with the current status, maybe, perhaps, you might find some encouragement to really let go and move on, but it appears you're taking it as more salt on open wounds. the truth is, i've never regained even a sliver of joy or contentment since making my mind up about this, but at least i'm sparing myself from the hurt and disappointment that i know lies in wait to consume me, should i even begin to buckle under stress and consider altering my choice. that will never happen, and with my last drops of credibility, i guarantee it, even if i know there's a chance it could cost me true love and happiness for the rest of my life.

i sincerely hope you'll pick yourself up and get out of this rut soon, because the pain you feel is ten-fold on me from the knowledge that i'm inflicting it. i hate saying hurtful things to you, but to me, it's the only way to help you see how resolute i am in my decision, hoping that you will finally see i am looking for the best result for us both. it turns out that i'm not that someone who would walk life's journey with you all the way, but i would like to be that someone who managed to steer you back onto the right path. we all have our distractions and temptations in life; i think that life is not about choices, it's about living with the consequences of what we have chosen. the truth is, we are what we choose to be. so, respect my choice now, and although it touches me deeply to know that there's still someone out there who would fight desperately to continue to be with me, all i can say is thank you for choosing to be with me, but i'm sorry to say that i just want to be alone from now on. we just have too little left to build our future with. please don't hate me for ending it; if there's any space in your heart, fill it with joy, not hate. and when you next drop a tear, please let it be sweet with joy, and not bitter from hurt.

please take great care of yourself, and live a happy, meaningful life. always seek to do the right thing, and never compromise your principles for material promises. don't let the surrounding negativity mould you, no matter how tempting the rewards may seem - some things are just not worth it. always evaluate your options and accord the proper weightage to your priorities. ultimately, you should be in control of your own life. when things don't go your way, look not to point fingers, but instead, look for solutions and gain wisdom from the experience. don't build your happiness on the sorrow of others; seek to give happiness to others, and learn to derive happiness from giving.

in the bitter end, when my life flashes before me, i know i'll leave with a smile, knowing i once made you smile too. i'd better stop here; the tears are fogging my vision already. good night, take care, and good bye..

poker and porn

acting on a whim, we went over to nd's suite for a poker party. in attendance were png, gb, chee, nd, jo, jlo, presto, bk, kw, and kw's cousin (sorry, didn't get your name..).

png did his usual thing - playing jap porn with volume on full-blast with nd's laptop and annoying the heck out of everyone. bk and kw were taking crude digs at each other. gb and chee made their customary late entrance. jo and presto came over after their mugging session. jlo joined us from dempsey really late and didn't stay too long - she went back with jo and presto halfway-through.

about poker, well, i made a great start by clearing out chee's chips in the first hand, but gradually went downhill from then on. 3 hours and a thousand dirty jokes later, the game ended for me - but not the fun. man utd completed a 5:0 rout over stoke, and arse-anal got whipped at home by villa - my idea of a great night.

i then received a reminder from my mum to be at my grandma's by lunch-time the following day for my grandpa's death anniversary, so i decided to call it a night and proceeded to plop myself beside gb, who was already snoring away on nd's super-comfy bed.

so here i am, blogging in amk. gonna sneak out for a cig now, while i reflect on a pleasing weekend thus far. enjoy. =)

queen - too much love will kill you

so how's my new job?

"so how's your new job?", he asked.
what do i think of my current job? not much at all, really.

i find myself waking up every morning to the intolerable drone of mediocrity, spending half the journey trying to figure out what to look forward to in the office and, upon revelation, the other half of the journey agonising in the expectance of the tedium waiting to asphyxiate every ounce of life in me. it's such a drag, but i guess you already know.

in a nutshell, my job is Mundane with a capital M - M for More-exciting-just-watching-grass-grow. instead of calling it a breeding ground or a stepping stone to greater heights, i'd much rather liken it to a barren wasteland, an infertile plot of desolation. the people there have the culture of robotic arms on a production line, and humour and laughter are as ubiquitous as shooting stars. the environment is sterile and inanimate. and i can't even begin to describe the overwhelming resentment during those ultra-long hours of unproductive overtime.

it might be that the status quo of the global market requires buckets of patience and knuckling-down in the short-term, but the mid- and long-term prospects aren't looking too bright either. the system is rigid, the workflow and processes are monotonous, and the testimonies of my senior colleagues share a commonality of discontentment about the scarcity of opportunities to learn, to improve, to upgrade, unanimously reciting the anti-thesis of career progression. doing what we do, there's simply neither job satisfaction nor sense of achievement.

inevitably, to make it worse, of course there will be gossip-mongers in the office, easily identifiable by the distinct silence that abruptly swallows their stream of whispers, murmurs, and tsk-tsk's whenever someone walks within earshot. of course, being the new guy, i get to experience the awkwardness of silencing these people, and it doesn't help much in terms of relationship-building when they have this habit of never looking away from their work during a conversation. i think it's disrespectful and annoying, especially when all they say is monosyllabic - it's either a "YA" or "NO" in a rude, impatient tone. it's having an erosive effect on my motivation to go to work, and recently, my punctuality, or should i say lack thereof, has been fueling the gossip-mongers' barrage on my threshold of tolerance. vicious cycle, yeah?

on my way home at the end of another fucked-up workday spent doing 3-4 hours of overtime, i look around and see other zombies like me - lifeless, depressed, and fucking tired from the day's battles. no wonder the entertainment business is so lucrative. it's no longer a luxury, it's a need to be entertained - to be able to chill out, to unwind, to discard the day's troubles, to empty all the trash in our recycle bins, to find a fountain of health to replenish vitality. recreation = re-creation.

i bitch and whine about my shitty job to everyone who cares to ask, but, putting things into perspective, although it's far from ideal, at least it puts bread on the table, and beer on the bar counter - and there's always the chance of finding a better job when the turmoil settles and the climate starts looking rosy again. i think i need to re-adopt the mind-over-matter mentality that was so jubilantly ditched on ORD day.

work-life balance - notice how work comes first in that phrase?

life's checklist

i stare into the looking glass of destiny,
and see what the future holds for me..

..before 25:
-pay off all debts
-cultivate healthy habits
-improve image
-build reputation in market
-asia-tour

..before 28:
-degree
-financial independence
-sports bike

..before 30:
-masters
-start own business

..before 35:
-rapid career ascent
-euro-tour
-first million dollars
-my own apartment
-sports car

..before 45:
-financial freedom
-early retirement
-private yacht
-globe-trotting

hell, it's not going to be easy,
but it can't be too hard, either.

you may say that i'm a dreamer,
but i'm not the only one..

koolb - kate 林可棠

my working life

iworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrinkandworkanddrink
andworkanddrinkandworkanddrink. and work. and drink.

life sucks. what more can i say?