smile for me

i went over to your place today to retrieve the rest of my personal belongings, and i didn't expect you to call me heartless or hurtful, because i thought it would help you to move on if i cleared those emotional triggers away for good. i'm disappointed and feel wrongly accused. of all the people in the world, you should know how much heart i have.

all my life, i've been trying my best to be a gentleman, a mr nice guy, and i've always taken great pride in the knowledge that i'm popularly considered a nice guy, an honest guy. yet i now find myself being perceived as a jerk, a bastard, a sadist for sticking by my principles. ironic? yes, but at least there's no contradiction. i'm sorry if i hurt you, but i'm not doing these things out of spite or revenge. i hope you will one day understand that i'm trying to preserve my credibility and integrity, to finally be able to look myself in the mirror without shame or contempt.

i know you're having a tough time trying to ride it out, but it isn't easy for me, either. it never has been easy. i thought that by telling you how happy i am, or how contented i am with the current status, maybe, perhaps, you might find some encouragement to really let go and move on, but it appears you're taking it as more salt on open wounds. the truth is, i've never regained even a sliver of joy or contentment since making my mind up about this, but at least i'm sparing myself from the hurt and disappointment that i know lies in wait to consume me, should i even begin to buckle under stress and consider altering my choice. that will never happen, and with my last drops of credibility, i guarantee it, even if i know there's a chance it could cost me true love and happiness for the rest of my life.

i sincerely hope you'll pick yourself up and get out of this rut soon, because the pain you feel is ten-fold on me from the knowledge that i'm inflicting it. i hate saying hurtful things to you, but to me, it's the only way to help you see how resolute i am in my decision, hoping that you will finally see i am looking for the best result for us both. it turns out that i'm not that someone who would walk life's journey with you all the way, but i would like to be that someone who managed to steer you back onto the right path. we all have our distractions and temptations in life; i think that life is not about choices, it's about living with the consequences of what we have chosen. the truth is, we are what we choose to be. so, respect my choice now, and although it touches me deeply to know that there's still someone out there who would fight desperately to continue to be with me, all i can say is thank you for choosing to be with me, but i'm sorry to say that i just want to be alone from now on. we just have too little left to build our future with. please don't hate me for ending it; if there's any space in your heart, fill it with joy, not hate. and when you next drop a tear, please let it be sweet with joy, and not bitter from hurt.

please take great care of yourself, and live a happy, meaningful life. always seek to do the right thing, and never compromise your principles for material promises. don't let the surrounding negativity mould you, no matter how tempting the rewards may seem - some things are just not worth it. always evaluate your options and accord the proper weightage to your priorities. ultimately, you should be in control of your own life. when things don't go your way, look not to point fingers, but instead, look for solutions and gain wisdom from the experience. don't build your happiness on the sorrow of others; seek to give happiness to others, and learn to derive happiness from giving.

in the bitter end, when my life flashes before me, i know i'll leave with a smile, knowing i once made you smile too. i'd better stop here; the tears are fogging my vision already. good night, take care, and good bye..